It sucks to be you

As a man, I never want to hear these 15 sayings again

If women do not allow themselves to be pressed into a traditional gender image, they are often enough given stupid sayings.

Consistent in the job? - "Do not be so bossy!“
Over 30s and no children? - "Oh, your biological clock is ticking!"
Tired of catcalling? - "That should only be a compliment!"

Sentences like this are regularly used to remind women to please be the way women had the least problems to be expected twelve hundred years ago: as a good girl, as a loving mother or as a friendly colleague who is kindly flattered when she is told, that body part x in outfit y is specialboom chicka wah-wah looks like.

What a snot.

Sometimes, however, men who do not correspond to any Methuselah role stereotype have to put up with something similar. It may be that in the days before the ancestors, the Feuersteins had a better chance of survival when the strong Fred wrestled with the hungry saber-toothed tiger while Wilma picked berries. In the age of smartphones, ordering services and frozen fruit, it should finally be okay if a man is who he wants to be - be it a guy, a baby boy or anything else.

Unfortunately, this has not yet reached everyone, you still have to listen to cliché sayings and questions. Such stupidity is not only provided by people of the same sex who hold on to the traditional images of men - this has to be mentioned explicitly here. Women, too, occasionally conjure up a cliché picture of man with certain questions and comments that hardly exists today.

Once and for all: As a man, I never want to hear these sayings from yesterday again:

1. "How, you don't like football?"

Correct: I hate soccer! And that's not because I grew up in second-rate Bielefeld. My dislike does not even come from the fact that homosexual players cannot come out, that the global south is excluded by major ball sports events, or that disgusting party patriotism is celebrated at European and World Cups. It's much more mundane: I just find the sport boring - men or women chasing a ball is pretty much the boring entertainment I know. So yeah, instead of bawling with my boys side by side for 90 minutes in the stadium soaked in sweat, I prefer to watch a kitschy indie film with my girlfriend. Very, very often I even get away with a tear. Get over it.

[Also on Sexism allegation: Czech footballers have to train with women "as a punishment"]

2. “The pants are pretty tight. Are you gay?"

Your pants are pretty baggy for that. Are you the kind of person who still lives with mum at 30 because he just doesn't want to make a breakthrough with his congenial battle rap? At the weekend you probably hang around at school parties to pick up young women because women your age are not interested ... Oh, THAT is too prejudiced for you now? Check it yourself, right? And even if battle rap should be your one and only: I wish you all the best for the future of your life and always a hand's breadth of fresh air in your baggy pants.

[Also on gay couple from Poland receive hateful comments for holiday video]

3. "In your relationship, your girlfriend is definitely wearing her pants, isn't she?"

I'm not even angry about this question anymore, I feel pity: How poor must the relationship of the person who asks such a question be? I imagine a well-structured couple who live a clear division of tasks. He, the breadwinner, the suspender, administers all the finances. Occasionally he transfers pocket money to his partner, which she uses to fill the fridge and maybe even shop for “something nice” for herself. Maybe a skirt or a dress, at least not pants. He determines the weekend and vacation planning, after all, he worked hard and bought the money. In this imagination, sentences like “Honey, don't interfere!” Or “You leave that to me” are often used. This kind of togetherness is a miserable Mordor, both should throw their rings into the fire as soon as possible. Good relationships are pants-free zones.

4. "A real man needs a beard."

Eat up! Men need a beard just as much as women need to shave all over their bodies. Not at all.

5. "But you have a hot girlfriend!"

Well, I hope so that you find it hot. But, tell me, does it go with my hot new Ed Hardy jacket or should I get another one? Girlfriend i mean. I've grown so fond of the cool jacket ... I mean: What you understand as a compliment is superficial bullshit. You go where you can brag about status symbols and crack jokes about things like mind and character - and leave me alone.

6. "When you see your best friend and you like that, you might think you are a couple."

You give me an idea! It would be convenient to live with him anyway - he's the same size. We could save so much money on skinny jeans! I'll call him right away, thanks for the tip.

7. "Hopefully you will make a son so that your family name will be continued."

I want to give myself a little more time before the conception of a successor, but don't worry: I will do everything to continue the family tree. Already now I only eat red meat and when I kneel and stand I am ramming pillows, advertising pillars and work colleagues in order to be able to perform as best as possible doggy-style in an emergency (I read on a page for which I stupidly forgot the URL that you are on best to father a boy). As soon as the future mother has the tribal heir in her, I will lean over her stomach for at least an hour every evening and repeat my surname out loud so that my son will get used to the sound and will not want to take on another name later. The family is saved!

[Also on 13 sentences that hairdressers can no longer hear]

8. "Can you deal with the fact that your girlfriend is more successful / makes more money than you?"

In the past, I actually found it very, very difficult to allow my partners to succeed and I was eaten away by envy and self-doubt. Now and then I give in and order the adult portion of lasagna in the restaurant at their own expense. If it makes you happy ...

9. "But you could also go pumping again!"

And the first thing I would do with my men’s cuckoo: demonstrate my newfound strength to you on your own body. A strong Crossface Chickenwing for the beginning, then a decent Figure Four Leglock and a Testicular Claw at the end (for all wimps among the readers: the terms are wrestling fighting techniques). Don't you fit Then I just stop pumping and you take your bodyshaming attitude down a gear - deal? As far as I am concerned, you can train yourself into the V-shape and pave your bedroom with pictures of Brad Pitt and Jamie Dornan, but finally accept that not all guys want to play in "300".

[Also on "Eat something!" - Bodyshaming sucks even with thin people]

10. "For a guy you slept with very few women!"

It's not my goddamn job to distribute as much of my genetic make-up around the world as possible, and I'm not a nicer guy when I've done it - any more than women who love and have lots of sex are sluts. It's actually quite simple.

11. “Come on, a short one is definitely still possible! Don't be a fool! "

Let's leave the short ones and move on to the long ones: Don't we want to drop our pants and compare tails? Being able to drink properly - with a funnel, without stopping, on and on until the end - apparently many people still associate masculinity. When will it finally stop?

[Also on Stop persuading others to drink]

12. "Ah, you can cook ?!"

It happened surprisingly: one day on the way to the stadium I passed a… book-book-library and bought a… Bu-book and in it I found… R-Re-recipes. At home, I picked up the tool my friend always uses in the kitchen and followed the instructions. And what can I say: I made something edible! Even though i am a man !!! But don't panic, I still like Ćevapčići from the microwave best.

13. "How's your job going? Is it going up? "

Thanks for asking, I'm in Section 8c of my five year career plan right now. My network is flourishing, I can fill a book with my recommendations and ... oh, sorry, I unfortunately have to go to golf with my boss or not, because there can actually be other and more important things for a man in this world than a career, but I don't seem to get out of this conversation with you any other way.

14. “You haven't had sex for several months? As a woman it works, but you must have a lot of pressure ... "

Oh yes, the lack of sex is really stressful for a man, also physically! If I don't have sex for a while, I start to name my handkerchiefs out of frustration ... What kind of people are men who say such things? Simply knitted sex monsters in which the sperm seeps into the body and poisons all organs if they do not get a shot? This is disgusting nonsense on so many levels.

15. “Did you really have to cry at the movie? But you're emotional! "

It is always surprising that other people deny a man's humanity with such slogans. As if man were a robot who has no feelings. Hot news: Even Google commercials sometimes move me to tears. I can admit when things like the job get over my head instead of looking for good weather and showing "strength". I am even able to tell people I love that I love them. Please don't ever question that again. Many Thanks.

For the good of all, we should stop thinking in terms of stereotypical gender clichés and instead meet each other as open people with individual personalities and preferences.